Those scary steps

I was sitting here thinking about how fear manifested itself in my life as a child.

I can remember one time in particular when I was standing on at the bus stop, across the street from my house, with my RainbowBright backpack on waiting to be ferried off to my first day of kindergarten.

Thinking back now, I must have been asked if I thought I would be alright riding the bus that day and I must have said yes, but when the bus came and the door opened I looked up at the big steel teeth of the school bus steps and was terrified. I stood there frozen as each kid got on the bus until only I remained, fearfully staring at the steps.

Then the driver asked me if I was going to get on.

I remember how afraid I was and with no shame or upset, shook my head; no way. With a shrug and a shake of the head the bus pulled the door closed and went on with her day.

Moments later, my mom came out of the house after seeing the bus leave and me still standing there.

On the drive to school, she asked me what happened and all I could say was that I was sorry. I told her how afraid I had been of the steps on the bus though she seemed less interested and more frustrated.

I assured her that it wouldn’t happen again.

But the next day the bus came and left and I was still standing on the sidewalk, again.

I was just plain scared and unable to overcome it on my own. Not surprisingly, my mom was really disappointed this time and was a little more than frustrated on the drive to school.

I had realized that I needed her help, and now I had to admit.

I asked her to come with me to the bus stop the next day and she did.

How many days she held my hand and watched me get on to the bus, I do not remember but a few days later something happened.

Something inside me had changed. I realized the steps just weren't that terrifying anymore, I had climbed them enough I guess. Then the next realization was that I no longer needed my mom to come to the bus stop with me in the morning. I wanted to do it my self.

Only then, instead of the fear of climbing the steps, there was sadness and deeper fear of having to say that I didn’t need my mom's help anymore. But how would she know that I just meant I didn't need her for this. I was terribly upset that she would think I meant I didn't need her anymore at all, which was absolutely not the case.

For what seemed like days, but was likely only hours, I pondered how I would tell her this truth I had discovered for myself. How to say it so it wouldn’t hurt her feelings

After mustering up the courage then finding the right moment I said, as softly as I could, “Mom, I don’t need you to come to the bus stop with me anymore, I think I can do it myself now.”

As it turned, out my mom wasn’t upset at all and now from a parent’s perspective, I can see how it was probably a relief for her.

In both cases, I had no logical reason to fear yet it was so real and present for me then. The teeth of the bus were not going to shred my little legs nor would I trip off the curb only to have metal-toothed steps break my fall.

My mom understood that I loved her and needed her. I just didn't need my hand held anymore.

Now as an adult, I seek out those razor sharp steps in life that I may need a little hand holding to get up and over. Friends and family helps us to stay balanced and keep us strong in the face of things that seem overwhelming to overcome. Sometimes we need a little help from others to let go of the fears we have and the truths they might reveal.

After a while, you will realize you are strong enough now, to do what needs to be done on your own. But instead of fearing what your friends will say, bless them with heartfelt gratitude for being there when you needed them most.

Then be strong and continue climb.

Toward Greatness

There isnt enough time in the day for being swayed
toward the goal
of finding that thing
that means nothing to you
for there are so many things
to choose
to spend your time with
enjoying time with
being present with
be patient in allowing time for those things
saving the frustration for lack of time
on things you care not for
to drift from you
letting the reigns fall
simply stepping away silently
toward greatness

(c) Brandyrox 2010